‘Tis the season to be jolly — or to watch the same movie plot unfold in countless Hallmark Christmas movies. I can’t put every holiday film on the naughty list, but most of them (especially on Hallmark) follow a suspiciously similar frosted formula.

Small town + low-stake crises + big city professional + snow + Christmas gathering = dopamine. It’s a formula that Hallmark movies have mastered down to a science. Take the fake relationship trope, for example — two people pretending to be together just to avoid prying questions from nosy relatives. Predictably, they fall in love somewhere between the cookie-baking contest and the town’s annual Christmas parade. I always question how they’ve spent an entire holiday season without asking, “What are we?”

Then there’s the classic “big-city executive saves the small-town business” storyline. Every small-town bakery or Christmas tree farm seems to teeter on the edge of financial doom until the bigwig from the city returns to their small-town home and falls for the charming owner. If only we all could have an emergency loan from Santa’s savings account.

Or the mysterious older man, who turns out to be Santa or some other magical being, guiding the protagonist to their happy ending. I guess Santa likes to take time off from his North Pole duties to follow a random person’s life and solve their problems. I bet he’s just up there, watching everyone’s life fall into disarray and thinking ‘Oh, this looks like a good one…”

And, of course, the classic Christmas miracle: snow falls at the perfect moment, a lost loved one returns, or the protagonist gets their holiday wish. Forget stability or world peace — who needs that when a snowstorm brings back your long-lost, royal grandma? Turns out, she’s been ruling a small European Kingdom for the past 5 years and returns just in time to save Christmas with her crown jewels and dazzling royal alliances.

While this may sound like a familiar plot, it doesn’t exist — at least, not yet. Perhaps this is the new peppermint twist Hallmark should consider for their holiday lineup. These are just a few examples, and to their credit, Hallmark does find ways to mix up the snow globe of small-town holiday dramas. Sure, the plots are redundant, but there are enough variations to keep us watching— and secretly rooting for the characters.

Still, it makes you wonder: how many small towns could possibly exist in the Hallmark Christmas movie universe? Imagine these towns are just like a seasonal pop-up shop — here today, gone tomorrow. One minute they’re worried about a family business going under, and the next they’re throwing a parade to save Christmas. Maybe they should apply to the North Pole Financial Aid Association (NPFAA) on December 25th (any day after and they’ll have to wait until next Christmas when their town set is built up again!).

A few of the fan-favorites of the holiday movie universe – outside of Hallmark – include “Home Alone,” which taught kids everywhere that burglars are no match for sophisticated booby traps; “Elf,” which proves that eating syrup on spaghetti is acceptable; “The Grinch,” where we learn that loving Christmas causes hearts to grow three sizes — without medical intervention; and “The Holiday,” where we see how swapping homes with a stranger from another country and falling in love can fix all our problems.

Other honorable mentions include “The Polar Express,” “Jingle All the Way,” “Dennis the Menace,” “A Madea Christmas,” and “Deck the Halls.” If you haven’t, give those a watch this holiday season — they’re guaranteed to bring the warm, joyful holiday feelings we all cherish (and laughs too!).

Notice how the names of these iconic movies come to mind easily. In contrast, with Hallmark movies I can’t seem to remember titles verbatim; however, I could say anything like Love at First Snowfall or The Christmas Kiss 2: The Lost Stocking, and you’d probably believe they were real. To be frank, Hallmark movies could just start using a random Christmas movie title generator and no one would notice.

All Christmas scores possess their own quirks while humorously nodding to Hallmark films. Unlike Hallmark movies, Home Alone and Dennis the Menace feature actual stakes—you know, like burglars. But they still end with heartwarming hugs or roasting, hot marshmallows landing on Mr. Wilson’s forehead, so it’s practically the same. Whether it’s Santa, the Grinch, Kevin McCallister, or Mr. Wilson, holiday movies remind us of what’s important: love, family, and not leaving your kid behind…twice. How did little Kevin manage to be left behind again, encounter the same sticky bandits, and take them down with the help of a vigilante pigeon posse led by his attic-dwelling friend? You just had to be there. Moral of the story: It’s good to have friends in high places.

All jokes aside, there’s something comforting about knowing that no matter what happens, the leads will kiss under the mistletoe while (cue the snow) it conveniently starts snowing – unforecasted, of course – and all the pressing circumstances at the start of the film disappear, along with the underlying matter of climate change. No matter if you’re team Hallmark or Hollywood (or secretly hoping for an epic battle where the Hallmark movie leads band together to form the ‘Christmas Avengers’, fighting alongside the Hollywood Christmas stars, with Krampus as the common antagonist), grab your cocoa – or in my case, the Swiss Miss Non-Dairy Hot Cocoa Mix – turn on your favorite holiday movie, and let the predictable magic unravel.

Just don’t forget to check your attic for burglars, and try not to confuse them with the giant jolly man coming down your chimney. Do people still have chimneys? Cheers to not having to face the ghost of Christmas past, to avoiding financial turmoil, to booby-trapping our homes, to love, and to hoping we all have a Hallmark movie ending this holiday season.